


How To Get Yourself Killed

by boxofknives



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, No Incest, Number Six | Ben Hargreeves Lives, Number Six | Ben Hargreeves Needs a Hug, Protective Number Five | The Boy, Protective Siblings, Sad Number Six | Ben Hargreeves, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Soft Luther Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:07:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29705193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxofknives/pseuds/boxofknives
Summary: what if ben refused to leave, even long after he was supposed to? what if he didn't have much choice in the matter?something that's been on my mind since finishing s2.. this isn't finished, i just wanted to post the wip because jfjfnfn,,,,i will add to it. i'll fix it up n make it good but this is what you get fn lolthe name is based on a song, 'How I Get Myself Killed' by Indigo De Souza
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Body

If the Umbrellas could pinpoint when things had went wrong beyond repair, many of them would go back to a specific date seventeen years ago. Now, Ben wouldn't have consider his fate to be cruel. If anything, it was the fairest thing that had happened in his life, in that it made him feel human. It reminded him that no matter how much he'd been convinced since birth that he was superior to what his father would think of as the brainless cattle which roamed the streets and paid the bills without considering where their money went. People, he would say with disdain, ordinary people, he would add with a smug quirk to the corner of his lips. As though that never applied to him. It never quite sat right with Ben, it made him feel all the more alienated, which was something he knew of very well even amongst his extraordinary siblings.

Not to say he wasn't scared, because that would be far from the truth. He was terrified the moment it hit him. He was dying and he couldn't stop it, and it felt strange that something so natural would feel like being robbed. There were many emotions, the clearest being fear, but somewhere in the depths was relief. And it was unfair, now that he had time to consider it. Not that he had died since in a way he welcomed it, but more that, that was the life he had to leave behind. Something so empty and sad, not worth the time of day, thrown away and buried beneath an ugly stone statue that looked nothing like the boy. But other than that, it was okay. Because Ben had died, like any other human would and will. And he was okay with that, because he had to be.

Now standing within that room, his sister before him, he was okay. Despite his fear, he could feel himself let go. Let go of the life he'd been clinging onto with all the strength he didn't know he had. He seemed to disintegrate into particles, flying up into the air and dissipating into nothing. He couldn't comprehend that, nothing. He didn't want to dwell on it, because it felt good, like shedding his skin, or more his soul. Like all of the pain was being chipped off, with only his sister as witness. It didn't hurt this time, Ben wasn't scared. There was no frantic crying and yelling and begging why, but the relief was very much present. 

So Ben smiled, that wasn't very remarkable on the surface since Ben smiled a lot. Sad little smiles throughout his childhood to keep eyes off him, to reassure his siblings that he was okay, that they didn't have to worry about him. Or the tight grins he gave Klaus whenever his brother tried to act smart, right before Ben gave a witty remark or began to plan on how to get his brother back, he would smile. This wasn't like that, this was real. He'd never felt so light before, like a baby laughing for the first time, like nothing could hurt him and everything was perfect, and it's okay Vanya you don't have to look at me like that because for the first time in my life I am happy. Because Ben was going to save his family, be the hero for once.

"Can I ask you a weird favour?"

"Anything."

And there was so much he had to say in that moment. So much that he would never have the opportunity to do for her, to let her know. He'd spent so much time talking to her in his head, along with all his other siblings, that all the words felt overused and recycled. The look in her eyes made him want her to know that it was okay, that he wasn't just saying that to keep her off his back. The past week had been everything he'd ever wanted, from rolling in the dirt with Jill, to being held by Diego. And now he got to say goodbye to Vanya and save his family. It's okay, Vanya. I couldn't ask for anything else. But for a moment he felt his happiness falter and that little boy he never quite grew out of came out. He was going, he didn't want to go. He hadn't got to say goodbye to anybody else, he never even got the chance to talk to Five. He looked down at the floor, his soul felt like it would leave without him.

"Can you hug me as I go? It's been a long-"  
Before he could even finish his sentence, that's when it happened. He'd got the hug he wanted so desperately, he got exactly what he wanted, but it didn't matter because he couldn't feel it. It didn't matter because Ben wasn't present anymore. Something far more primal came over him, and he could blame it on the Horror but that wasn't fair because for once it was quiet and happy. Ben couldn't admit it to himself but this was all him. 

All he could focus on was the energy he was receiving, or more, stealing. Blinded by panic and the natural drive to survive, and insatiable hunger. Ben made his first and only effort to live, Ben held onto anything that felt like something because he was terrified of feeling nothing and it didn't matter anymore. He didn't have time to feel like a monster or a beast or sub-human because Ben couldn't allow himself to die, through all of this it was the last thing he could do even when he'd already passed. Anything else he had to say was thrown away with the rest of his reasoning and logic and morality, and all of a sudden he was thrown hard onto the ground and that's when it hit him. Ben was a monster, a freak, the Horror.

It took a minute for him to come to his senses, but once he had he realised that something was incredibly wrong, it had hurt. The fall had hurt, and he was lying on his back blinking up at the ceiling. He hadn't had time to observe the room he was in through his confusion and blind panic, because Vanya was gone and Ben was feeling far too much. Not just emotionally, the ground beneath him was rough and cold, he found himself jumping away from it as though it were something dangerous. His clothes felt far too heavy, his head pounding violently. And his insides, the beast inside of him was furious. He turned away from the room, before stopping frozen.

"Oh my god..."  
Diego gasped, staring straight at him from where he was sat on the ground, long matted hair over his face. He was squinting at the boy before him, flicking through emotions by the second.

"Holy shit, is that..? No."  
Allison shook her head, unsteady as she slowly stood up, trying her best to stand still despite her dizziness, swaying slightly on her feet. 

Before he knew it, Ben had made his way over to them. It made him feel feverish the way they all gawked at him, or perhaps that was the result of his headache. He stood awkwardly before them.  
After multiple obvious statements, "you're alive", "oh my god, it's Ben", etc. They'd asked a question he wasn't sure he could answer.

"Where's Vanya?"  
They asked once, it came from Allison. She peeked behind Ben but only for a moment. From where she was standing, the room wasn't clear enough to make anything out. A hand rest on his shoulder. Not only was it the strangest sensation he had felt since the fall, but he had only noticed then that he was shorter.  
They asked again, and again. And it didn't stop until Ben was crying uncontrollably, unable to prevent the wave of guilt that overcame him. Klaus looked the most puzzled of all, eyeing Ben as Allison and Diego tried their best to comfort the sobbing boy.

"Ben why do you look... Like that?"  
Asked the Séance.

Allison looked up, her face was a strange sickly colour, like she'd just seen a ghost. But she somehow managed to keep her voice composed,  
"Like what?"

"You know, young? You look about seventeen again."

They didn't touch on that too much though, when they noticed Vanya laying limp in the chair Ben had just fallen from. He stood and watched all of them gathered around the girl, checking her pulse, attempting to prod and push her as though she would wake up. Ben just stood and watched, feeling lost.

"Don't bring her back,"  
He didn't know the words would come before they did, looking straight at Klaus,  
"Don't."  
He had repeated, slightly choked now. He couldn't give much explanation before Diego was on his feet again, ranting about JFK, waving his hands around furiously and looking towards the window and his sister's body. He seemed reluctant to leave her but he had to, promising that they would come back for her despite Allison shouting that they couldn't. And it was all a blur before Ben found himself standing by the window, watching his brother sprint down the street to attack the man he thought was their father.  
-

"Can you just explain to me? Please, why are you being so weird about this?"  
Klaus was right in his face, eyes frantically darting to and from Ben's.

"I told you before. I don't know."

"Why are you avoiding everyone? I haven't seen Five look like that in- I haven't seen Five look like that in my life. And you just ran from him, and I find you in here. Trying to-"

Ben moved away, pacing to the other side of the room,  
"Can't you just-"

"-Jump out of the window. I saw you try to-"

"I wasn't trying to jump. I was trying to escape, leave. I don't know. I was panicking,"  
Ben's arms waved in front of himself, his voice so much higher than he was used to especially in the state he was in,  
"Because I... I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what's going on! I just sort of appeared, I don't know!"

"Where's Vanya?"  
Klaus asked, suddenly grim. But Ben didn't have the chance to speak before there was a knock at the door, he span around to face them as though expecting a fight, completely on guard.

Luther stood by the doorway, pale and wide-eyed as he stared back at Ben, shrinking back like a scared puppy,  
"Um... We need you down here,"  
His eyes went from Ben to Klaus, then back to Ben. He didn't move for a while after that, eyes still fixated on his brother.

"Okay,"  
Sighed Klaus, sounding a lot older than usual. He didn't look at either of them before marching briskly out of the room.  
-

"Vanya Hargreeves, wanted in connection to the deaths-"  
The TV sounded, tinny behind an irritated ringing which only worsened Ben's headache. He stayed on the stairs, looking down at his siblings as he listened.  
He listened to his siblings argue once all of their names had been listed, letting it turn into a quiet drone at the back of his mind as he let himself sit in the background.

It was a relief now that they had stopped fussing over him, though that was probably because they didn't know he was watching them. He sat down on one of the steps and leaned his head on the banister beside him, the hard metal was uncomfortable but he was far too tired to care. It wasn't something he wanted to focus on otherwise he would find himself panicking again. He didn't want to think at all as he stared off into the distance. Then, suddenly,  
"Help me!"  
He jumped back with a gasp, clinging onto the banister. A boy's face had appeared in his vision, somebody who looked strangely familiar though he couldn't recall meeting him before. Then it hit him all at once, memories of a family on a barn he swore he knew but didn't know how. The boy appeared once more, his eyes large and pleading. 

Then all of his siblings were surrounded him, asking him questions again and making his head hurt,  
"The barn,"  
He blurted, looking down,  
"There's.. This barn. I don't know, but I know where it is. I think it's important,"  
He was surprised to find that he was out of breath, still gripping the banister tightly.

"A barn? What do you mean a barn? You can't go anywhere, we need to stick together,"  
Luther, hands gripping Ben's shoulders as he looked into his eyes. Ben moved back, almost tripping in the process.

"Look I'm sorry, buddy. But we have other priorities right now,"  
Said Diego, giving Ben a sad smile, bordering on condescending.

"This feels important. I can't just ignore it, it's like it's.. I don't know, calling to me or something,"  
He pushed past his siblings, his feet slipping and causing him to trip before he had the chance to grip onto the banister. Five appeared in front of him, catching him before he could hit the ground.

"Diego's right, for once,"  
Said Five, his tone was gentle to the point where he didn't recognise it, gripping onto Ben like he would disappear,  
"We need to make our stand here and now."  
He stood like that for a moment, eyes boring into Ben's as though he were pleading, before letting go of him and walking in the opposite direction, more tense than ever.  



	2. Help

There was more arguing from his siblings, adding to the building drone at the back of his head. Ben was too tired for this, too confused and stressed and in shock to even process the situation. He couldn't even allow himself to think of Vanya, not for a second, nevermind his current situation. He couldn't break down just yet.

Ben pushed past on the stairs, making his way out of the door. His body was moving by itself now, far heavier than he was used to. It wasn't like possessing Klaus, and it wasn't how he remembered it as a kid. Everything felt stiff, the ground too hard. His joints ached with every movement but he couldn't stop, passing the car on his way out. Before he knew it he was running, each step knocking the breath out of him little by little, he remembered breathing coming naturally to him as a child but now it only served as an inconvenience. He could see in barn in the distance before a flash of blue appeared in front of him, almost colliding with the figure that materialised from it,  
"Please!"  
He exclaimed at the startled looking man before him.

"Let me help,"  
Five said back, he sounded tired but not impatient,

Ben blinked in surprise, taking a step back from his brother,  
"Help..? You want to help? But, what about the commission? You don't-"

"I'm not going to let you go into this place alone,"  
Said Five, his eyes wide as he looked up at Ben. He'd been doing that a lot since he first saw him, his sharp eyes boring straight into him like he couldn't look away, like he couldn't believe that he was standing before him. It made Ben melt as much as it made him uncomfortable- Both of which weren't a lot but they were the only emotions he could feel through the persistent fog which seemed to engulf him, making it hard to think. 

"But everybody else is back there, they need you with them!"  
Ben tried to push past Five, but his brother only stepped in front of him again.

"They're okay, they've got the car, we're all coming with you,"  
And there was no trace of uncertainty in the man's voice, no sign that he would change his mind.

Ben couldn't believe it, staring back into his brother's eyes which were intense with determination, he could feel his heart start to hammer. With guilt? Affection? He couldn't tell, but it was definitely disorienting. He simply nodded, then like on cue, he could hear a car pull up by them, Klaus making his way over to them first, sauntering casually with his hands in his pockets.  
"Let's get this over with then, I guess,"  
The Séance gave both of his brothers a lazy grin, looking exhausted. But as much as Ben looked for it, he couldn't sense any trace of anger in the man.

Once they'd all left the car, a woman ran out from the barn, clutching a shotgun. Ben instantly recognised her- She was the woman from his vision, possibly the mother of the boy he had seen. She was shouting at them to get back. Ben was closest to her, stretching his hand out towards her to signal her to keep her distance,  
"Hey, hey! Are you alright?"  
He called to the woman.

"Who the hell are you!?"

"We want to help! Who are you?"  
Ben was panicking now, staring into the woman's eyes. She looked terrified. He wouldn't have put it past her to shoot him and his family there and then,  
"Do you know Vanya?"

She froze, hands beginning to tremble as she aimed the gun at him,  
"How do you know Vanya?"

Gesturing towards the rest of his family, Number Six was trying his best to seem brave despite his fear. He could tell he was trembling, unsteady on his feet,  
"We... We're family. I'm her brother, my name is Ben,"  
He tried to give her a smile, but his lips were quivering too much to keep it straight.

This only seemed to infuriated the woman, moving closer to the boy with her gun pointed directly at him, Diego stepped forward with his hands outstretched, but Ben stepped in front of him. This seemed like his job, and he had to do it right. Even if it killed him again, he knew he couldn't watch from the sidelines this time,  
"Please believe me, I know it's difficult. I know this is terrifying but I'm telling the truth,"  
He surprised himself with how steady his voice was, attempting to smile again as he walked forward,  
"It's alright, we want to help. Please let us help you,"  
He said softly as he placed his hands on top of the her shotgun to lower it, her hands shook more, eyes wide with fear.

"My husband,"  
She whispered, looking close to tears,  
"My husband is dead. My son.. Oh god.."  
She gasped, looking around frantically. 

Ben only continued to smile despite his siblings shouting at him to get back,  
"Your son?"

"My son killed him, tossed him aside like a ragdoll. He was floating, flying, I don't know! There was all this light around him and then he just fell and I don't know if- Oh god, oh my god... What did she do? What the hell did you do!?"  
And the gun went upright again, almost hitting him in the process. He stared down it, detached from his body. "What the hell are you people!?" She cocked the gun, looking manic. 

"We are not monsters, I know that. Whatever happened, we will be there. It's... Kind of what we do?"  
He stepped back, then made her way past her. She seemed frozen in place as he made his way over to the barn and forced the door open.

Diego jogged up next to him, grabbing his shoulder. Ben only shrugged him off,  
"What the hell!?"  
Diego muttered, but he was ignored as Ben walked in, grateful for the faintest warmth the barn provided. He didn't have the time to appreciate it as he spotted a small figure curled up on the barn floor. He made his way towards him, thinking the worst.

"Don't you dare touch him,"  
Warned the woman, he could tell without turning that the gun was pointed at him again.

"I won't. Is he dead?"  
He asked bluntly, regretting his wording as soon as it left his lips. He couldn't quite grasp the reality around him, making it difficult to be sensitive. It felt like he was floating through a dream. 

The woman's breath went shaky for a moment, and Ben started to wonder if she was crying,  
"I don't know, I think so,"  
She breathed,  
"It was like he was possessed..."

He heard Klaus' voice from further down the barn, calling to each of his siblings. Ben didn't move, edging closer to the boy. When he kneeled by his side, he was surprised to see that he was still breathing. Though it was faint, wheezing painfully. His skin was pale and his iris' were unnaturally light, drained of all colour,  
"Hey.."  
Ben whispered, the boy's eyes were unfocused as he looked up at him. Despite being clearly out of it, there was also fear in his eyes. Feeling his own heart squeeze painfully, Ben's smile dropped.

"Is he..?"  
The woman asked nervously, suddenly by his side.

Ben took in a breath, swallowing hard,  
"I'm sorry,"  
He said quietly, but it wasn't towards her.

The boy seemed terrified now, attempting to force his heavy eyelids open, Ben couldn't look away. He wanted so desperately to hold the boy, but remembered the woman's orders before he had, keeping his distance,  
"It's okay, kid. You're okay,"  
His tone was gentle, forcing out any trace of his own fear or uncertainty. He knew the boy wouldn't make it, and that didn't sit right with him at all. But he had to be brave for him,  
"Just relax, you're safe. You're alright, everything is going to be alright,"  
He soothed, he could hear the mother crying by him. And almost on command, as soon as Ben allowed himself to touch him, hand resting on his shoulder, the boy relaxed. Slowly the boy's expression fell, eyes glazing over into a white fog. The woman sobbed and Ben looked away.  
When he eventually looked up, his family had gone. He stood slowly, unable to look at the boy's mother,  
"I'm sorry,"  
He whispered, but it didn't seem as though she was listening through her crying. He couldn't say much more before the barn exploded with gunshots, bullets flying through the walls, He grabbed the woman, ducking behind a pile of hay.

"I'm going to end this,"  
He said without thinking, gripping the woman tightly. He couldn't feel a single thing now, no sorrow, no remorse, nothing. All he knew was that he had to keep his family safe.


End file.
